I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
