My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
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