I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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