yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
