I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
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