I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
