Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
no, he came in my armpit
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Randomize
