don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
