I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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