i don't like sucking hair
Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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