i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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