she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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