We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
