The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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