I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
