I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
