Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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