My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
