I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
