Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
It's never too late to be topless.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
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