Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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