i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
