He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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