Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Their engagement party consisted of them doing shots, yelling at each other, leaving for 30 minutes, and coming back with smiles.
I'd say they're off to a great start!
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
