I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
