the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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