i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
