If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
don't judge my taste in strippers
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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