totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
