My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
