She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize