i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
