how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
