maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
