how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
