i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
