sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
whose parrot is this?
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
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