i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Randomize