Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
