An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
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