Grow some girl-balls and come out already
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Randomize
