Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
This toilet bowl is my home.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
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