My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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