the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
