guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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