i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
