I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize