I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
