I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
