i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
