How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize