I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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