He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
