you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
