Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
we need to drink 2009 down the drain
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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