There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
