Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Randomize
