70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
I could fuck to npr.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I believe in your delicious
Randomize
