That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize