News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
