My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer
you spelled her name wrong
not you too!!
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Randomize
